Surviving Juwanna Mann

 (much better than Juwanna Mann)

As you might have guessed, a very busy day yesterday didn't leave me with much time to write anything. 

First, in my hopefully-soon-to-fold baseball league, the deadline for voting for MVP, Rookie of the Year, etc. was yesterday, forcing me to scrape a few brain cells off the floor and fill out my ballot. 

Then, meetings at work.  Almost two hours worth of them.

Then, more work at work.  You know, work work.

Studying for Exam 3L.

An e-mail from an ABL player who was left off the "Where are they now?" list of 1996-97 ABL players.  This is because even though she was on a roster in 1996-97, she was injured and didn't have any regular season minutes until 1997-98.  I think that's the third time I've been contacted, either directly or indirectly, from an ex-pro.

A phone call from a basketball friend where we talked about Cambage in Tulsa, Diggins's inadequacies in Tulsa, and the poor attendance of the Atlanta Dream.  He forced me to name who I thought was going to face Minneapolis in the WNBA Finals.  I hemmed and hawed and I finally said "Indiana".

Then, some relaxation time before bed.

So, not much time to write about anything.

(* * *)

There were five games on Tuesday, and I only saw part of one of them - the first half of Seattle @ Phoenix.  After watching Seattle struggle to get to 10 points in the second quarter, with Diana Taurasi scoring 1-for-7 and the Storm collectively shooting 28.6 percent, I decided that watching the game was not worth the price of fighting sleep.  Which was a real pity, since the Storm won on the road 80-65, outscoring the Merc 49-35 in the back half and shooting 51.5 percent.

This led to a long line of discussion on Rebkell as to whether or not Corey Gaines should be fired.  I've never thought that much of Gaines's coaching chops although my phone friend said that it is a different team with Penny Taylor injured.  My guess is a good 60 percent that if Gaines can't make the Western Conference finals, he's gone for next year.  (Could we see Marynell Meadors at Phoenix in 2014?)

(* * *)

Before that game started, I decided that I would watch a movie that has been decried by the women's basketball community almost sight-unseen - the ignoble Juwanna Mann, which opened in theaters in 2002 and probably closed just as quickly.

Here's the plot.  In protest for being taken out of a pro basketball game, Jamal Jeffries (Miguel A. Núñez, Jr.) strips naked.  He is declared persona non grata by professional basketball, he loses his mansion and his money, his model girlfriend walks out on him and his prospects are slim to none.  Living with his aunt, he watches a pickup game between kids and one of the players - a girl - pretends to ask him for his autograph, only to insult him.

Seeing this girl play against boys sparks an idea.  He calls his ex-agent to tell him that he's found the greatest player he's ever seen - a woman.  He dresses himself as a woman, calls herself "Juwanna" (the "Mann" was inspired only out of necessity, needing a last name), and swings a tryout with the fictional Charlotte Banshees of the WUBA, the WNBA-stand in that acts as the pro women's league.

I only made it to somewhere between the 40 minute / 1 hour mark before I gave up.  This movie is terrible.

You've probably concluded that I'm some oversensitive "beta male" and that that's why I think that the movie is terrible.  That's not it.  On a scale of offensiveness?  Maybe about a 1 1/2 out of 10.  Yes, the movie is a bit dismissive of women's basketball but in terms of nastiness, ten minutes of a Daniel Tosh or Andrew Dice Clay routine would lap any nastiness from Juwanna Mann.

Rather, the movie is just terrible as a movie.  The humor comes right out of that kid from seventh grade who thought he was funny.  These jokes died in vaudeville over eighty years ago.  Miguel A. Núñez, Jr. plays the part of egomaniacal basketball player (male and female) so broadly that you could see it from Pluto.  I dare you - I mean I DARE YOU - to make it all the way through this movie to the end; I'd think I need combat pay to put up with the lameness of this film. 

The only way to watch this movie and survive it is to have absolutely no expectations of being entertained.  Women's basketball lovers will hate it.  Women's basketball HATERS will hate it as well.  Miguel A. Núñez, Jr. is now on a milk can somewhere.  The last movie of note that Vivica A. Fox appeared in was Kill Bill, and that was 10 years ago.  (Her last two movies went straight-to-video.)  Kevin Pollak acquits himself as well as he can, but he's probably made more money playing poker than he'll ever make from Juwanna Mann.

Trivia note:  the music from this movie is from Wendy & Lisa.  Remember Prince and the Revolution?  Yeah, those two.  After watching part of Juwanna Mann, I know now what it sounds like when doves cry.